Validation

Erotic highs/ distraction

One magical sexual attachment that will heal all wounds

Fears:

Boredom/ emptiness

Shame/intimacy

Going out of control

“Hot” people

Fantasy: others for validation

Stable others who will care for them

Impersonal sex

Seeking instant validation with “perfect” others  who are then found to be imperfect, resulting in serial, non-intimate relationships

Involvement in relationships with codependents, resulting in acting out beyond the relationship

Hits bottom with sex and starts recovery amidst great pain

Turns to romantic validation from others or renews codependent relationship--in either case without adequately addressing intimacy or self-esteem issues.  (More avoidant individual joins group but stays on fringes.) 

Strategy fails,  relapse occurs, hitting more intense bottom. Recovery renews--more slowly this time--with more attention to self validation,  non-sexual intimacy, and tolerating feelings of aloneness and emptiness. 

Validation through being needed, rescuing

Secure relationship

Fears:

Abandonment

Vulnerability

Individuals who need parenting (addicted or dysfunctional and in need of rescuing, like codependents parents were)

Rescuing people in crisis

Remaining in relationship even when clearly unsatisfactory

Trying to control addict's behavior--yet sometimes enabling the addict to stay addicted

May want to “possess” addict

Become frustrated when addict's behavior is more extreme than they want, but stay because afraid to leave

If addict recovers, codependent may move on to new addict where their rescuing skills are needed and appreciated.

Security, safety acceptance, “oneness” (merger)

Fears:

Greatest fear is abandonment

Underlying fear is healthy intimacy (in enmeshment the core of the person is actually sealed off)

Self-contained individuals who appear strong, stable (often avoidant or obsessive compulsive, like their families of origin)

Line up next relationship before leaving current one--forming love triangles

Instant closeness, looking for “magic” feeling

Idealizing partner

Obsessing about partner

Talking obsessively to others about him or her

Acting out anger and revenge for being abandoned

Enters relationship in haze of fantasy--found this stable, strong, accepting individual

Gets high from fantasy

Denies how walled in avoidant really is

Avoidant gradually becomes distant and shuts down, abandons relationship in some way

Love addict acts out anger & revenge, turns to affairs and addictive sex

Partner capitulates and renews relationship, or love addict moves on to new relationship

Sense of self and self esteem does not develop--love addict remains in dependent position. Ability to tolerate fear and discomfort must develop for growth to occur

Wants to be connected, but not closely

Fears:

Greatest fear is intimacy/engulfment

Can have a hard time rejecting others or saying no

Individuals who provide much of the enthusiasm and intimacy for both of them

Ambivalence all the way through may be in relationship because can't say no

May show initial traditional romantic pursuing, but ultimately enters relationship because love addict provides most of the “intimate energy”; may fear would never make into a relationship otherwise

As love addict wants more and more attention avoidant attempts to please by giving it to them--at least initially

Eventually avoidant becomes overwhelmed by enmeshment and/or neediness of love addict, becomes critical, and eventually backs off from relationship or abandons it

Feels relationship has failed, sometimes gets involved with addictive behavior or affairs to distance, distract, or numb out

May return to relationship out of guilt or fear of being totally alone, or moves on to connect with another partner

Cycle of abandoning and returning can go on and on, especially if love addict starts to move on